Sighz

On these blogs I spill out my heart and soul and let you into my thoughts, Into my feelings, My life, My pains, Sorrows, angers, and much more. This blog may be kinda all over the place.... may touch on    all of these. If its too random I'm truly sorry but this is just the true me. I am but one and i will always be just me. Real inside and out, On and off game. Nothing will ever change that. 


I'm a strong willed person for the most part. I stand my ground and I dont back down from most of anything. But at the same time.. I'm Weak as hell. I listen to things people tell me way too much and I let these things get to me, which causes me to cut ppl out of my life. Pull away from those I care for. Yea, maybe it is for the best. Maybe I should have pulled away from certain people a long ass time ago... but i miss them people.. I used to laugh with these people. Used to cry with them, scream, act a fool. Used to just have fun. People come into your life for a reason. To help u grow, to teach u lessons, its up to u on whether or not that path with them comes to and end or not. Its up to u to be stronger than the weak minded and keep these people in our life. No one should be able to make decisions for you, or convince u that the decisions that u make are the wrong ones. No one should have the ability to make the choices in your life for u. Time to wise up, Char, Because this shit makes u weak.


My life is pretty simple for the most part. I'm 32 about to be 33 (yes i kno im old) a single mother of a 4 year old beautiful lil girl. I go to college. But I have my own. I have my own apartment, so wut its in the jects, its mine and i pay my own fuckin bills. I have my own car that I pay the insurance for and the payments on. I have my own, and thats more than wut most can say. Talk abotut me all u want just means you are thinking of me... Which is a sign of jealousy. Want wat I have? Too bad u cant have it. Want to be like me, You will never be. Youll always sit there downing me for what I look like while most of you are living in someones basement or still at your moms. Half of u have to sit in McDonalds just to get the internet. So therefore, what ever u say about me is irrelevant and void for the most part. So What I dont look like the woman of your dreams, Bet u 10 times outta 10 im betta personality wise than any of these random fake broads that u fuccs with. Bet I know how to take care of home given the chance. You look at me as Someone youd never date. And thats fine, Because by you being shallow shows me that Id never want to be with you anyways. You look at me and say oooo shes old, but turn around and be up someones ass thats the same age as me. Hmmmm lil weird huh? Who cares in all actuality, Your loss is someone elses gain, but one day you will learn that looks alone will not make u happy. 


i have many pains in my life. Ive loved and lost many times... Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all right? Bullshit!!! Id much rather had never loved at all than to feel the pain of heartbreak. I've felt so much pain in my life that it pains me to even think of it now. Between losing ones that I love so dearly to the heavens to having my heart ripped out by someone I loved so much I would have walked thru the depths of hell just to carry them back home safely.Thing is, Women truly love... Men just love the fact. Women fall harder than men i believe and in my case I love way harder than most. Once your in my heart your there forever. No matter how bad u hurt me. No Matter what u did to hurt me. No matter the things u say about me. Imma still love and care about u at the end of the day and thats real shit. I dont have time to hate. Life is way too short to give one person that much of my time and energy. I give them that much of me i dont have time for the one that so deserve it. So let them keep talkin about me... then i kno im doing something right.


I miss him. I miss his kind words, the sound of his voice, the times we shared together, the laughs, the jokes, and all the fun. I miss his kiss, his touch, his hugs. I miss all of him. All the good and the bad. I miss knowing that no matter wut i wanted to talk about hed be the one there to talk to me. I miss us. I miss the cuddles, the talks, Just having him. I miss the fun. I miss alot of things but what i miss the most is the fact that he could make me smile no matter wat. I wish I could have been all he wanted me too be, All that he desired but guess what? I wasnt. And i never can or will be. I Cant be fake and superfical, I cant be skinny and perfect. We're all taught that were allowed to love who we want, but then we turn our baccs on the ones that love us. We are taught that we can do watever we want, but when we do wut we want people talk shit about us and turn their backs on us. I'm not the failure. You are for having to be so fake and shallow that you can see the true beauty within me without worrying about wat others have to say and by not being able to be your own person.


(Im being rushed to finish this) -coughs Rachelle!-


Anyways, I know how wonderful I am. I know what type of woman I am. I know that I love More people than others will ever love in a lifetime. I know that once your in my heart youll always be there. If you cant accept that in me then im truly sorry. (not really) Its not like its gonna change the fact that I am wonderful, beautiful inside and out, and that alone is more than you will ever be able to accomplish. I am but human, I have my flaws, as does anyone, but me, unlike most, Am able to admit that I am far from perfect. So once you can obtain that ability that realize that you have as many if not more flaws than me maybe then you will open your eyes and realize its not wut people think of u. its not wut ppl say about u, its how u truly feel about yourself.


And wit this being said. Im out :) Hope u enjoyed it! :)

Shit that annoys me part 2 (Vent Session)

Fuck Niggas... You kno the ones, the ones that never wanna talk unless they need summin from u or someone u kno!


Thirsty ass hoes..... Yea yall know the ones. That be tryna break up a relationship just so they can fuck with the nigga..


Crazy ass ex's... ya'll know the ones that come bacc just to get under the recents skin... then come bacc just to make all those emotions come bacc between them and the ex and get bacc together just to leave in the long run...


2face fake ass ppl... I hate when someone be hangin with u then turn around n talk shit about u... Nigga/Bitch if u didnt like me why the fucc u all in my face? FOH Man up and stop being pussy.. Anything u wanna say about me say it to me! Wut U scared? Dont be Im only fuccin human, My name isnt GOD so i shouldnt put fear in ya heart.


Stalkers! You know the ones that aint on ya friends list but have ppl comin back tellin them err thing u doin. Or they aint ya FB friend but they Subscribed to ya shit. Bitch u wanna know what im doin? ILL TELL U! IDGAF about u or ya feelinz so bring it.. I have nothin to hide, And if it is ya man im fuccin, Maybe u should take care of him and i wouldnt have to. :>


Scary ass ppl.... The ones that will talk mad shit about u behind your fuccin bacc then turn around and smile in ya face talkin bout no girl i aint got no problem with u... the whole while in they pplz box talkin shit.. Df can i do to yo lame retarded hooked on phonics ass? Im behind the screen... U think imma waste my time comin to see u when i can spend my money on a pedicure or gettin my hair did? U already a non mutha fuccin factor so there for no! Say wut u feel cause if i dont care for u trust u gon know.


ugh... theres plenty more but im tired and goin the fuck to sleep... ooo and another thing that annoys me... DONT LIKE THIS AND NOT COMMENT! GIMME YA THOUGHT AND FEED BACK. FFS! BYE

No Title.

Random tears slide down my face and  anger fills my heart. For many reasons I care not to discuss. I realized that a hardness is forming in my heart that may never soften even with the softest spring breeze or the most beautiful snow ever seen by man. This is the way I never wanted to turn. This is who I never wanted to become. I never wanted to start to not even care about certain people. Never wanted to get pissed off every time I see certain people and the way they act. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone can hold someone in their heart no matter what turn of events occur. Anyone who truly knows me, knows that once your inside my heart, there is where you will forever will remain. Ill always do what ever it takes to make you happy. Just know, Wit me you will forever have a friend! =]

See, Heres the thing, IDGAF! =]

So, in the days that have passed I have resolved past issues that I had with people. And in all honesty I feel so much better. I, as a woman, am trying to grow. And be the better person and squash beef with people. You see, I'm tired of fighting.  Half of you don't even care, but it has came to my attention that some people are more worried about what i do than they are worried about they own lives. Well let me start off by saying this, If you don't like what the fuck I do, then stop looking at what i'm doing! Remove your self from my life i.j.s. Its not for you to like or agree on to be honest... Other than my family there's only one person I'd feel lost without if I lost them and he knows who he is. People seem to think that I care if they are mad at me cause I'm friends with certain people, here's the thing. My friends are just that. MY FRIENDS. Meaning, you don't have to like them or deal with them. I don't understand why the fuck its that big of a deal that i don't fight with the people that u fight with. Mad cause now I'm not stuck up yo ass talking about them? What ya fail to realize is this  I.D.G.A.F. anymore... I'm tired of living my life for those of you who feel like I should live a certain way, be a certain way, and act a certain way. At some point in your life someone has to grow up and be the bigger person. And I'm sorry that that cant be you... This is subliminals either cause you all already know I do not give 2 fucks whose feelings I hurt, this is to ANYONE who has a problem with who I associate myself with. Doesn't mean that I am changing because I'm Not. Just means I'm Growing. Becoming wiser. Maybe one day soon those of you that are so worried about what Char is doing can grow and mature as well. I hope sooner than later so You yourself will see how much less stress it is. There's no sense in going around fighting with everyone you don't like on game because at the end of the day half ya'll wouldn't face none of em irl.... or if you have the same type of problems irl with someone you ain't gonna be worried about who they associate themselves with irl so how bout u not worry about them ppl on game either.... Stop worrying about what I'm doing, or what the people I associate with is doing for once and worry about yourself because in the end you might figure out that your the one that's been in the wrong the whole damn time.  My Life is mine to live and if i choose to live it with less fucking stress then that's what the hell i'm going to do ya heard?  Ya don't like it? Well guess what! ɢᴏ Fᴜᴄᴄ ʏᴀsᴇʟf!

Feeling............

Ever felt all alone in the world unless someone needs something from you? Maybe its just the holidays but i think i just came to the sick realization that I'm being used in so many damn ways and I'm the one that has sat around and allowed it to happen. Hell if someone was to do for me what I do for so many, I'd sit around and let them do it too... I'm so ignorant ugh! I sit and do so much for so many and half the time i hardly even get a ty... I'm never told I'm appreciated from those I feel I need to hear it from. And the ones I do hear it from don't even owe it to me. Then when ppl are done getting what they want from me its like the next day I don't even matter. ROFL Maybe its me and I'm Exaggerating a bit. Maybe its because the holidays is so near and I'm missing my niece more and more everyday. Its been 14 years since she was killed but it doesn't make each day without her any easier. Or Maybe its the fact that I do so much for so many and shit. I sit and open my heart to those who don't even deserve it. That don't appreciate it, but then when I turn into an evil bitch that only does for herself I'm wrong right? Well in the days to come right at the holidays and all I might just go back into fuck u mode.... It may be wrong to some but I'm so tired ya'll. My mind body soul and even my heart is wore out. I give my all to ppl that don't deserve and ounce of me. Which makes me over look the ones that deserve my all. I fall hard, I hate that I'm like that and its a hard thing to break, mostly because I don't know where to even begin, don't know where to go next with this shit. Everyone who knows me knows I am a very strong minded and strong willed person. But I'm weak over a man that doesn't even deserve my weakness. Weak over a man that doesn't appreciate me, doesn't even care about me. If I was to disappear off sl half of u reading this wouldn't even notice, or even care for that matter. The ones that would notice, would call or summin.. But as far as the ones that i give my all to and my heart to  that I wish nothing but the best for and wish I could just express to them how I feel about them and it would all go back to the way it was. I wish someday's I could cover my heart and he wouldn't be in it anymore. Yes, I love this man, and I shouldn't. You can't help who u love that's the truth fasho. He has a hold on me, Like someday's I want to just walk away and heal myself, other days I just love being around him. I have fun with him, but at the same time I've realized, You never know what you've got until its gone, and once I'm gone that's when A LOT of people will realize that this woman right here, did more for them than any one else. So now I'm fadin in the black and becomin scarce to those who don't deserve me.

Thoughts....

So as I was driving around this morning gettin some much needed me time I had so much shit goin thru my head. Like wtf am I even doing on sl? I sit and continue to let people in my heart, to love them unconditionally just to get slapped in the face and hurt... Yes we all know that the thoughts today were about my recent break up with Drew. He never intentionally hurt me. That was never his plan. Hes a good guy and I have nothing bad to say about him. Just "females" (imma call them females today insteada hoes) be flockin to these niggas like stink on shit. These same type of females dont  pay a nigga no attention til he get in a relationship then next thing u know, BAM, they all over the place. Never ceases to amaze me the way things happen.. But at the end of the day i have to sit and realize this. Maybe its not them "females" at all. In all actuality, maybe its me. Maybe im the one that just cant be the type of gf anyone wants, or needs for that matter. Its my own fault, I love those who dont love me. And probably never will. I let so many ppl in to my life, into my world, because my heart is too big. This isnt only about Drew and our break up tho. Ive had kids on this game that has ripped my heart out and hurt me more than anyone ever could.  U get close to these ppl and regardless of how many times people say "Sl is just sl" Fuck all that.. idgaf how many times u say that shit it still will not stop the fact that your a real person with real fuckin feelings behind that damn screen so stop telling yourself and others that its just fuckin sl.... ok? SMDH Im sick and tired of people being fake and acting like that all hard n shit when they know damn good and well that they be gettin feelings and emotions tied into things just as much as i do... Anyways this was so off subject... Its still a mth away before my colly starts the spring semester and i so cant freakin wait... Im sittin here waistin my time on sl and fb and to be honest... I HATE IT... Yea i so much hate it more now than I did cause I was dumped yet again, and this time it was to a man like no one i have ever met. So Kind, Gentle, Sweet, and all that wrapped into one... anyways :\ Once I start colly you will start to see less and less of me.. then this summer when I go to Maine I might not even take my computer. (knowing i will) But theres always that chance that Ill say fucc it and leave it.. We shall see as time progresses how things are.. Anyways this was random one again.. had my mind on wut i was gonna say and lost train of thought lmao bbl :)

So in my mind all i can say is this was the most cordial break up a person could ever have. No harsh words, still friends. But that doesnt make it any easier. Once I give u all of my heart, then there is where u stay. My tears fall like a lonely creek in the middle of a forbidden forest to be lost forever into the ocean of lonliness that lies ahead. He has my heart, still in his hands, I cant take it back because then it would mean that i have lost all hope. i never meant for this to happen, but then none of us ever do. I dont think i deserve the heartaches and pains that I have had to encounter. But who knows, maybe this is what is meant for me. I applaud him for being honest, and saying it in the best possible way that one could say I want to be single. Without making a big fuss or fight out of it i bowed out gracefully. Told him we'd forever remain friends, He is the father of my son regardless. Some would say, they wasnt together that long, why is she so upset, but u all fail to realize my feelings for him had started forming before we were together. He had found his way into my heart and just made my life shine when he asked me to be his. And yes, today is a dark cloudy day that im miserable in but Im still so happy and blessed to have him as a friend. Who knows if hell even take the time to read this, yes imma tag him init but who knows. If he does then ill know. Drew, You make my soul smile, when your around and were talking my joy comes shining through from the depths of my soul to the moon and beyond. Youre truly a wonderful man and when your ready for a relationship the one you choose will be the luckiest woman anyone will ever know. Your loving, caring, kind, and a wonderful boyfriend. I was lucky that you blessed my life for the time that u did. Yes, now I will admit to you now, my feelings for you are beyond sl, I was starting to get real feelings for you. Wait let me not lie, I have real feelings for you beyond sl. Some people already knew that lol. But i would never tell you. Now that I cant push you away being as your already away I can tell you. I truly love u Drew. Not IN LOVE with u but not too far from it.... Anyways, i should think of these tears that continue to roll down my face as tears of the joy to have been blessed with such a man as u in my life. They are tears of hurt that I couldnt be who or wat you needed. Not even that like Idk even know what to say now. Imma just let the words roll off my fingertips! :P But seriously, I will be fine, And youll always have one of the best friends a person could ever have in your life in me. You ever need me or anything that is in my power to give u im a message away. I cant even finish typin